Dear Mom and Dad,

It was so nice of you to offer to host the children for another week of Camp Grandma this summer. The kids even came up with a motto! “We love Camp Grandma ‘cause Grandpa’s there, too.” They are really looking forward to spending some special time with both of you.

When you signed the lease at Maple Shady Acres it specifically said that guests under the age of 55 were only permitted to stay three consecutive nights. Do you think it will be okay for the kids to stay longer? We don’t want to get you in trouble with the management. (Especially after that raucous pool party you hosted last summer when your other former hippie friends were arrested for...well, you know.)

Before we drop the children off, we just wanted to remind you of a few simple things you’ll need to watch out for. There has been a lot of progress in the field of child development since the days when you raised me. And I don’t need to remind you that the world has become a much more dangerous place. We have a few suggestions that will help everyone stay safe and healthy. And maybe even have fun!

I know that when I was a child, we spent rainy summer afternoons parked in front of “Days of Our Lives” and “Let’s Make a Deal” but times have changed, Mom and Dad. Strictly for research purposes, I watched “Days of Our Lives” last week and Beau was having a torrid affair with Shawn Douglas’ teacher and Stefano was plotting to bomb the Brady Pub. You have to agree that it’s not exactly “child-friendly” television. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no more than 2 hours of screen time for children over age 2 and we feel strongly that our children should make those two hours as educational as possible by watching either PBS, educational DVDs (I have enclosed our copy of “Masterpiece Theater for Tots”) or playing on websites like the ones sponsored by the National Academy of Mathematics and the Chemistry Foundation of America. Since our last visit, bedtime has gotten a little less complicated. You can have the kids put on their pajamas at 7:45. After they brush their teeth, you can read them each a story. (Please don’t read Porter any books about firefighters. Last week he took a spill off the fire pole on the playground and now he’s been terrified of anything relating to a firehouse. Especially Dalmatians.) Franny likes to sleep with her blankie, pink teddy bear, and two pillows. Porter has his special blue pillowcase and penguin. Also, he likes to have his back rubbed in a counterclockwise motion for about 3 minutes. They can read with the light on for 15 minutes. Then, turn the light off and they can sing lullabies to each other until 8:45, when we expect them to be asleep. You know how important routine is, especially when you’re in an unfamiliar place, so please try to keep to this schedule.

As you know, we unfortunately have two very picky eaters. I know that when I was a kid, you would make me eat whatever you served but we believe that a child’s happiness should come before convenience. So, some meals you might want to consider serving are: free-range chicken nuggets, whole wheat pasta with butter and parmesan cheese, and tofu dogs. If you do go with the tofu dogs, be sure to cut them into smaller pieces. They can be a choking hazard. (FYI, so are apples, bubblegum, raisins, and Corn Pops.) I’m sure the kids will let you know what foods they are craving. Just don’t let them talk you into having raisin bran for breakfast. It may look healthy, but it’s loaded with sugar and high fructose corn syrup.

Franny has been taking private Mandarin Chinese lessons for the past six months. To keep her up to speed, you will need to practice conversing with her in Mandarin at least once a day for about an hour. I have enclosed a set of CDs that should have you speaking fluently in a few weeks. She will bring along her phrase book. Porter has finished his yoga class but he insisted on bringing along his yoga mat. If you find him meditating in the lotus pose, don’t worry! Sometimes he just needs a little quiet time away from the demands of childhood.

Speaking of demanding, I hope we’re not asking too much of you. I’m sure you’ll manage to have a little fun at the pool or playing wholesome board games. If any problems arise, you can reach us anytime on the home phone, cell phone, email, Facebook, Twitter, or by telepathically communicating with me.

Thanks again Mom and Dad. See you soon!